I recognize that these two are actually polar opposites and are easily identifiable once we understand how to see the difference. One is ALL about what you can give to the other person, the other is ALL about what you hope to get or possess. One is TOTALLY selfless, the other TOTALLY selfish. One ALWAYS says YES the other usually says NO.
Fairytale love, or that feeling, at the beginning of a new romantic relationship, of being “in love”, is a myth that we have all been taught to chase, through movies, television and stories. It is a six million year old lie our bodies tell us, a trick our brain plays on us, in order to ensure the continuation of the species. When we meet someone, our brain subconsciously evaluates them and rates their potential as a biological mate. If our brain decides they are a good potential mate then it automatically begins releasing chemicals into our system that we initially experience as “interest” in the other person. As the amount of these chemicals build up we begin to experience being “in love” with this other person. We might think about them all the time, feel light headed or short of breath when we’re around them, feel an overpowering need to be with them, to hear their voice, to touch them, to get lost in them. Some people call love a drug and when someone feels “in love” that is exactly what is happening. Their own brain is drugging them and causing them not to think clearly. This process can, and usually does, cause people who have very little, if anything at all, in common, to think they love each other. In actuality the only thing they really have in common might be that they subconsciously believe the other to be a good biological mate. This type of love is chemically/biologically driven at a subconscious level and is about possessing the other completely so that your genes can be passed down to the next generation. This type of love says, “I want you”, “I want to be with you”, “you complete me”, “you are my soul mate”, “you are the ONE who is meant for me”, “I want you to want me”, “I want you to want ONLY me.” Science now knows that the brain slows down or even stops the creation of these “in love” chemicals usually after between 12-18 months. It is at this point, as those chemicals are no longer in our systems, that most people are usually left with two thoughts, “why don’t I love my partner like I used to” and “why on earth didn’t those things about my partner that bug me to death now, bother me when we were first together”? The answer to both is that our brain was lying to us before and now it’s not.
True love, on the other hand, is something all together different. It is not reserved for that mystical “one true soul mate”. True love is “wanting the other person to have what they want for themselves, MORE than you want them to have what YOU want them to have.” If you truly love someone you will never get in the way of their expressing their highest vision of who they really are, even if that expression means they are no longer with you. You can truly love anyone as long as they allow you to be who you really are. If your thoughts and feelings are about what you want, then you don’t truly love the other, you simply want to possess them and control them like you might a car. If your thoughts and feelings are about how you can help the other have what they want, then you love them. The difference is easy to spot.
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